半飽 Half full

總要有些不幸時才明白平時有多幸福。這幾天因為牙痛，完全吃不了丁點兒硬的食物，我每天只吃著湯、乳酪、煮到極軟的紅蘿蔔等，生命完全失去意義。晚上我把肉碎豆腐煮好，饑腸轆轆，特別覺得香味難耐，只是急不及待把飯吃了一半，牙痛愈發難擋，眼巴巴看著食物郤一點也吃不進去，被迫吃得半飽。

一切都從那次面試開始。沒有很多演奏經驗的我很大壓力，捱到面試那天，一坐在鋼琴前，心裡太多雜念，發揮得很不好。回到音樂學院大堂等下一個視譜的測試，看到大堂裡都坐著其他來鋼琴伴奏系面試的人，都比我年輕，有的在談笑，有的躲在琴室裡練著琴等面試。我感到悻悻然的，盯著手上的樂譜，不知是我出賣了鋼琴還是鋼琴出賣了我。琴室的門上有個窗子，我剛剛可以看到入面一個男生的側面。我聽不到他在彈什麼，但看著他的手，我和自己說，我怎可能彈到像他那樣？聽到其他人在聊天，他們都是其他音樂學院鋼琴系的學生，大部份都只在音樂學院修音樂，沒有和我一樣同時在唸大學。我和自己說，我們一直走下來的路根本完全不同，我在那裡幹什麼？我擁有的學位可能比他們高，但在鋼琴演奏上，如果他們是大學三年級，我還在和A-Level搏鬥。坐在身旁的女生把樂譜放下便走開了，我偷偷看看她面試時彈什麼，hello?!又是Ravel的Jeux d'eau！這作品總像和我過不去，總在我脆弱時出現，笑我永遠挑戰不到它。水的嬉戲，簡直是一盤冷水倒下來和我玩。完成了第二部份的測試，我覺得那已經是自己最好的表現了，也沒有什麼辦法。離開時我的腦袋不停在喊著：我這一生人，不知道什麼時候，一定要有一刻可以在人前彈到Jeux d'eau，而且要背譜！！


後來結果如預料一樣，我沒有被錄取。就這樣我開始病倒了，先是喉嚨不舒服，變成咳嗽、流鼻水、牙痛、發燒．．．．．．身體像在告訴我它要停一停，撐夠了。

我在想著，為什麼老是差一點點？大抵叫有個方向，但總是因為一些不踏實、不肯定而徘徊在想的層次，未實踐得來。技巧未夠，經驗未夠，心理質素未夠，有時還會懷疑自己其實有沒有天份。常常和自己說：與其想，不如做吧。可是有時還未計劃好、未預備好，又做不來。這種有方向、沒方法的感覺很是討厭。

我從來沒有喜歡過半飽的狀態。也許年少氣盛，要做什麼就想把它做盡。已經不止一個人和我說過，我有時像任性的小孩，說要就要，倔強得不顧一切。但我真的覺得，要是想便就去做而且做到底,為什麼要抑壓著？時間不多啊。我*就是*太喜歡猶豫和拖拖拉拉，雙魚座，太愛沉溺在想的層次而動也不動；因此一直決意要打敗這個弱點，坐言起行。歐陽應霽談道半飽的藝術，說〔半飽就是未夠，就可以留有空間餘地隨時隨地繼續小吃〕。我絕對沒有這個冷靜地細細品嚐的道行，要吃便想吃得飽。半飽如果是有意識的，那是高道行、小資產式的觀察生命型人。我不喜歡半飽，郤要被迫半飽，則一個字可以總結－－窮。人窮技窮詞窮，但又貪心多多主意。要是還缺丁點運氣，真的可以結束營業，提早收工。

這一刻唯有不想太遠，積極把碩士唸好，把聲線練好，和學會愛上暫時吃到的東西（今天好一點了，吃到ratatouille和長通粉！）。不然下次連手頭上的都失去時又才懂珍惜，文章題目將變成〔全餓〕。唉。

Unfortunately, sometimes we do need some bad things to realise how well we were doing. Because of a toothache these days, I can't eat anything but just some soup, yoghurt and over-boiled carrots - life becomes totally meaningless. The other night I prepared a delicious dish (probably because of my hunger that it seemed delicious) with minced meat and tofu, but I couldn't even finish it as the pain from my toothache hurt so much. I wanted to eat, but I couldn't. I was forced to be half full.

The whole thing was brought up by that audition. Not having too many piano performing experiences, I was extremely stressed out on the stage. I didn't do well at all in front of those once-familiar keys as I couldn't help thinking of something else.

After playing my piece, I went back to the lobby of the conservatoire and waited for the sight-reading test. The other candidates were all younger than me, chatting with each other or practising in the rehearsal rooms before their turns. I felt uneasy having the score in front of my eyes, I didn't know whether it's me who had betrayed the piano or that the piano had betrayed me.

Through the window on the door of the rehearsal rooms, I could see another guy playing. I couldn't hear what he was interpreting, but looking at his fingers, I was like, how could I play like him at all? Overhearing the other's talking, they were all piano majors from conservatoires, plus they did this without studying in the university at the same time like me. Well, we're from completely different worlds, what the hell am I doing here? Academically perhaps it’s in my favour, but considering piano playing, if they're in their final year in college, I'm still struggling with my A-Level exam.

I looked at the score that the girl left next to me. Hello?! She's playing Ravel's "Jeux d'eau"! This work really detests me, it appears every time when I'm weak to mock at my incapability to render it. The French people would never understand the black humour when I saw this title of "water games". In Cantonese we sometimes say "pissed off" by "being splashed by a bucket of cold water", which is exactly my case.

I tried my best in the sight-reading test, I knew I couldn't do better. On my way home, I promised myself, "in my entire life, I don't know when, but there must be a moment when I can play 'Jeux d'eau' in front of the others, WITHOUT score!"

And so, the result was expected, I didn't get the offer. This is when I started to get sick, my sore throat turned into coughing, running nose, toothache and fever. My body seemed to tell me that he needed a break, he'd had enough for a while.

Why are there always hiccups in life? I probably have a direction, but my being insecure and unsure always constraints me to achieve what I want. Not mature enough with my technique, my experience, my mental preparation, and sometimes I even doubt if I really have the ability. Yes, yes, I always tell myself to do something rather than thinking about it. However, sometimes when we're not ready and things are not well-planned, we can't really actualise what we want to do. This feeling of having a direction but lacking a way to implement it is terrible.

There's this writer from Hong Kong writing a cookery book titled "Half Full", saying that "Half full means not having enough, then there's always room to have more and enjoy more." I absolutely don't have this patience to taste life in small bites. Once I eat I'd really love to be full. When I really want to do something, I'd like to carry it out till the end. Some say that I'm like a capricious kid, once I've decided to do something I can be really stubborn and ignore everything around me. But I do believe that we shouldn't hold back when we have a goal, well, time is running out, we won't be young and armed forever! And, as a Piscean, I definitely AM that hesitant type, always indulge in imagining without moving a finger. That's why I always ask myself to confront it by acting rather than mere thinking.

Those who live with this philsophy of "half full" must be the bourgeoisie having the affluence to observe and taste life in a graceful way. Well, I don't enjoy being half full but I'm *forced* to experience it, this indeed shows that I'm at the exact opposite of affluence - it's poverty in every sense, in terms of financial situation, competence, talent and so on. If I didn't even have a little luck, I could have really given up everything (jetter l'éponge in French) and gone back to square one!

At this very moment, I'd better not think or plan too much. I should focus on my master thesis, my vocal training, and probably enjoy more what I *can* eat right now. Otherwise you'll see me writing another passage about cherishing life later when I even let what remains now slip away, and that passage will be titled "completely empty"...